Q: What's with the initials, FJ?
A: I prefer to be anonymous because I want to keep my writing separate from the rest of my life. And if JK can do it, so can I.
Q: Is that your motto?
A: No, my motto is, "When being chased by a hungry lion, you do not have to be faster than the lion, you just have to be faster than the slowest person in your group."
Q: Nice motto. Remind me never to go on safari with you. Are you a man or a woman?
A: Who cares, these days?
Q: Tell us about your life.
A: That's not a question.
Q: Are you always this annoying?
Q: [sighs] What can you tell us about your life?
A: Not much to tell - I don't lead a very interesting life. I was born, I have parents and siblings, I moved around a lot, I like reading (duh). Are you asleep yet?
Q: [stifling a yawn] I'll ask the questions, thanks. By the way, nice question-dodge.
A: Thank you. Maybe if you asked me about my writing, we could get somewhere...
Q: OK. I give up. Any advice for aspiring authors?
A: Write the kind of book that you'd read yourself.
Q: How did you get started with writing?
A: I re-read 'Far from the Madding Crowd' with my book group (hello book group!) and thought "Wow, Bathsheba Everdene is a kick-arse feminist heroine and I want to write a modern-day story about her." I rattled off 'The Islanders' in a few months and then spent many more months editing it. After that, more and more ideas for stories pinged into my head, mostly on long boring car journeys.
Q: What are you planning to write next?
A: I have an idea for a follow-up to 'No Number Nine' - it's going to be from Nadine's point of view, so might be filthy. It will be set when Pip and Nadine are in their thirties, and there's going to be stuff about pregnancies - I'm provisionally calling it 'Just for Kicks'.
Q: What are your favourite books?
A: What, ever? Have you got all day? I love Caitlin Moran and have read every word she's written. I love Gold by Chris Cleave and I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith and Life After Life by Kate Atkinson and Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty and everything by Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy and Margaret Atwood.
Q: All right, all right. Is 'The Islanders' autobiographical?
A: A few things are familiar to me. I went to boarding school for a while. I directed a school play, badly. I've been to Cornwall on holiday. But the story is inspired by 'Far from the Madding Crowd' so it's definitely not about me.
Q: How about 'No Number Nine' - is that autobiographical?
A: Not really. I lived in Munich, I was an au pair, I was sacked from being an au pair, I went to the Sydney 2000 Olympics. All the rest is made up.
Q: Do you, like Pip, speak German?
Q: Any chance 'No Number Nine' will be translated into German soon?
A: Ja. Aber nicht von mir.
Q: Um. Right. Did the ending of 'No Number Nine' actually happen, or was it in Pip's imagination?
A: You get to decide that. Also if you read 'Just for Kicks' you'll find out, won't you?
Q: What about hockey? Do you play?
A: I used to and still have a stick, somewhere, that I dust off from time to time. I've played for lots of clubs: Canterbury, Manchester University, Freiburg University, Wimbledon, Battersea Wanderers, Richmond, Rot-Weiss Munich, Grasshoppers Zurich.
Q: Which team will you cheer on in the hockey World Cup 2018?
Q: Aha! So you're English then?
A: No shit, Sherlock.
Q: Do you think anyone's still reading this Q&A?
A: The chances are slim.
Q: What shall we do now?